The 14 Stages Of Getting Your Period That Everyone With A Period Can Relate To

"Наилучший порядок вещей — тот, при котором мне предназначено быть, и к чёрту лучший из миров, если меня в нём нет!" Дени Дидро ©

Stage 1: The «Painfully Pesky Period Pimples» Phase

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It’s a great injustice that alongside bleeding for five days, our skin has to freak the fuck out as well. Most annoyingly, this happens a good few days before our period actually begins, transforming our face into a giant, flashing billboard that advertises what our uterus is about to go through.

Stage 2: The «Crying Over All the TV Commercials» Phase

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Being emotional or extremely sensitive doesn’t make us a wuss, but it DOES mean that we just have a lot more feelings, OK?!! Why am I crying over every single cute dog photo I see on Facebook? Beats me — but our period that’s hiding in the shadows absolutely knows what the fuck is up.

Stage 3: The «Give Me Sweats or Give Me Nothing» Phase

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We’re already about to bleed from our vaginas for a few days, so someone please explain WHY bloating has to be a thing that also shows up uninvited? With this comes hating 99% of the things in your closet that aren’t sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and wearing them brings you the kind of comfort that your period does not.

Stage 4: The «Bigger Boobs — but at What Cost?» Phase

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We don’t have to tell you that period boobs are most definitely A THING. But why do our boobs gotta look so nice when it feels like the beginnings of a war inside our uterus?! Not only that, but our temporary cup size comes with being sore. Like, I’m sorry, did our boobs just run 5 miles without stretching first? I THINK NOT. Why can’t we have this one nice thing?

Stage 5: The «Cookie Monster» Phase

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One minute you’re at the grocery store, the next you’re at home baking the box of brownies you grabbed, while simultaneously eating cookie dough out of the carton alongside those chocolate-covered pretzels you slid into your basket at checkout.

Stage 6: The «Is That Discharge or Am I Bleeding?» Phase

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Also known as: phantom period. You feel all the signs that it’s coming, but NOTHING IS THERE. It’s like a bad horror movie where the villain is messing with you. You hear them somewhere in the house, but you can’t see them because they haven’t caught up with you just yet.

Stage 7: The «I’ve Never Been This Backed Up in My Life» Phase

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This is that moment when you realize you haven’t had a (good) poop in a hot minute. You’re bloated, you feel gross, and to top it all off, you’re constipated as heck.

Stage 8: The «Terrible, No Good, Very Bad First Cramp» Phase

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The very first period cramp is like if someone pulled the fire alarm when they smelled gas but didn’t see fire. Your period has officially begun, and that cramp is a very loud alarm that indicates, «BITCH, I’VE ARRIVED.»

Stage 9: The «I’m Here, Bitch» Phase

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Congratulations, your period has come and it suuuuuuucks.

Stage 10: The «I’m Going to Take 12 Naps» Phase

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Did you just run a marathon? Nope, but you may as well have with how EXHAUSTED you feel. It’s the type of tired that knocks you out and wakes you up a few hours later with a groggy feeling you just can’t shake, drool slidin’ down the corners of your lips and all.

Stage 11: The «I’m Flowing Like a River» Phase

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This is the PEAK point of your period where your flow is the heaviest. All you have to do is sneeze or, heck, sometimes even just stand up to trigger a sudden GUSH into your crotch. YOU KNOW THE FEELING.

Stage 12: The «Just End Already» Phase

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It’s been a few days, things are finally calming down, and this is you to your uterus: «OK, are we done yet, ma’am?!»

Stage 13: The «Oh, You Thought I Was Done?!» Phase

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You for sure thought your period was done — like, it’s been almost 24 hours (sometimes more than that!), but then your uterus decides to be like, «Surprise, bitch!» And you find yourself ruining another pair of perfectly good underwear.

Stage 14: The «See You Next Month» Phase

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You’re happy, energetic, and thrilled your period is finally over. But then you have that moment of realization…you’ll just have to do it all over again next month. What joy it is to have a uterus!

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