Here’s 40 Tweets That Are Just Super Duper Enjoyable

"Никогда нельзя знать заранее, как впоследствии обернутся обстоятельства." Артур Конан Дойл ZM
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1.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

2.

ah i seeeee i thought when you said you wanted to start a family it was understood i would be the baby

5.

Every picture of the E.T. from the Universal Studios ride looks like he’s destroying you in a rap battle

8.

One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said «I love you Stevie» at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.

9.

GORDON RAMSAY: what the fuck is that
ME: it’s a banana just a normal banana to eat
GORDON RAMSAY: fuck it off

10.

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

12.

Accidentally bought hotdog buns instead of hamburger buns so guess who’s eating hamdogs

14.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

16.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

17.

dating a skinny guy cool until you roll down the window on the freeway and he fly out like a mcdonald’s napkin

22.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

23.

Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch:
-An Idiot Saves the President
-Rich Boy Hero 4
-Silent Hero Journey Boy
-Fight Fight Fight
-Boats

26.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

27.

cleaning out your fridge is such a humiliating experience. you bought these plums and you didn’t eat them in time. you absolute failure. you miserable piece of

29.

*someone drives the speed limit and is being a safe driver*

me: OHHHHMMYYYYYFUUUCCCJKIIINNNNGODDDDDD GOOOOOOOO!!!!… https://t.co/xkM48V9e4V

31.

yesterday at target the cashier said “your receipt is in the bag” and I responded with “you too” so I’ve been dealing with that for the past 18 hours but I’m slowly coming to terms with it which is cool

34.

what’s the meanest thing a child has ever said to you? one time a kid told me that i looked like big bird after he got put in a microwave.

35.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it «beloved» or a «crowd favorite» like there’s some animal named «Jimmy the zebra everyone hates»

36.

me, who clearly doesn’t know the lyrics to Footloose:

FOOTLOOSE
PET GOOSE
PICKED A FIGHT WITH A MOOSE

CHEESE
STIFF BREEZE
WATCH OUT, THERE ARE TEN BEES

39.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out «Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here». I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me «Who are you?». I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

40.

when I get married each of my bridesmaids have to wear the outfit they were wearing when I saw them throw up for the first time

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