"Смерть есть одна из иллюзий слабого человеческого разума. Ее нет, потому что существование атома в неорганической материи не отмечается памятью и временем, последнего как бы нет. Множество же существований атома в органической форме сливаются в одну субъективно непрерывную и счастливую жизнь — счастливую, так как иной нет." Константин Циолковский ZM
Because you shouldn’t have to pay the ~price~ to be the favorite child.
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A double-walled, stainless-steel bottle cooler with a beer-opener lid so he can keep his favorite beer extra cold, no matter how long he stays outside. He won’t even realize how craftily you saved money by not getting a more expensive version.
A leather dopp kit that’ll keep all his toiletries organized, while also making him feel ~extra~ sophisticated on days he remembers to wash his face.
The Book of Unusual Knowledge, a book filled with ~704~ pages of information that’s pretty darn random, but just may come in handy one day (like if he wants to get even more creative with his dad jokes). Plus this’ll actually look impressive in his bookshelf — quite the sophisticated read.
A gourmet spice and seasoning gift box, because he already thinks his grilling is Michelin-star worthy. But now his steak will taste even BETTER. You’re absolutely allowed to *rub* the success of this gift in all your siblings’ faces.
A beer cap map for helping him proudly display his craft beer collection without taking over the entire house. Talk about a ~stately~ art collection, all thanks to you.
A Geologie skincare kit customized with him in mind to upgrade his routine from basically nothing to totally rewarding. Everything is easy to remember — we’re talking cleanser, day cream, night cream, and eye cream. And it’s delivered right to his door!
A stainless-steel fountain pen so his at-home desk feels more sophisticated as he figures out your taxes for the 10th year in a row. Will you ever have to learn? Hopefully not.
A pair of lightweight running sneakers that’ll ~outpace~ designer alternatives when you can upgrade his style AND keep his feet surprisingly comfortable during his jogs. Win win.
A cellphone camera lens kit, because this’ll improve his Insta game (hello, pro-like pics) without splurging on a fancy digital camera. This’ll create sharp, stunning images that he’ll immediately want to show off — probably with a lame joke in the caption.
A Rocketbook reusable notebook complete with calendars, to-do lists, and note template pages for taking his day-to-day work straight to the future. The pages are scannable with the Rocketbook app so he can file ’em onto his computer — meaning he has you to thank for never losing important paperwork again. Consider this one of the best inexpensive tech gifts.
An outdoors santoku knife set to raise his cooking game to new heights on your (cheap) dime, whether he’s in the kitchen or on a camping trip. Warning: he WILL now want to audition for Chopped and claim to be the next Bobby Flay.
A set of colorful, fun dress socks so you don’t need to spend all your money on designer brands for him to put his best foot forward. Are you his personal stylist now? I believe so.
A Jack Black hand cream that’ll teach him the importance of pampering when he uses this formula of vitamins A and E, macadamia nut oil, and glycerin to soothe even the most chapped hands. Life is a lot *smoother* without cracked knuckles.
A double-edged safety razor, because this’ll upgrade his shaving experience right in his own bathroom. It’ll be stylish, give him a refreshingly close shave, and definitely make his countertop look a little ~sharper~.
Or! A beard grooming kit for helping him start each and every one of his mornings with a touch of luxury. It comes with a jelly-like beard oil, beard conditioner with beet extract and mango butter, and beard balm with all-natural oils and butters to seal in moisture — aka the recipe of success to becoming the favorite child.
A mini waffle maker to truly make any father the Rufus of your family so fast, you won’t even need to take him out to brunch. Get ready for a lifetime of mini waffles, my friend. He just found his new favorite toy.
A powerful electric toothbrush so you can not only make his bathroom routine feel more sophisticated, but put his dental hygiene up to ~speed~ with his dentist’s expectations.
A family tree chart you should fill out yourself before gifting to win even MORE gold stars. There is a 110% chance of this getting framed as the best Father’s Day gift ever — so you just made your own bit of history.
A button-down shirt with a front pocket in a variety of patterns that’ll let him take a break from the rundown T-shirt he loves to wear almost every. single. day. His jeans are thrilled to meet a fancier pairing.
A Friday night football-inspired candle, because he’ll suddenly become quite the candle-lover now that he’s found a scent he actually enjoys. Plus, the impressive packaging will make it even more ~gift-ready~.
A faux leather watch for proving your taste is timelessly sophisticated. Will he know its true ~face~ value? Never.
A beverage-cooler to a) give him a cool new gadget and b) help him turn his favorite brew of hot coffee into an iced one in mere minutes — without watering it down! Color. Him. Impressed.
A Bluetooth speaker so he’s be sure to *sing praise* about what appears to be a huge tech splurge on your end. Talk about music to your ears.
A pair of lightweight, waterproof Birkenstocks made of flexible foam that’ll make him feel happiness in his sole every darn day this summer — all at a fraction of the original Birks price 🙌.
A wine aerator with an impressive-looking chamber, because this’ll make all his wine taste bolder and more expensive, no matter how much it cost. Prepare for a lot of toasts in your honor.
A solar power bank for accepting that camping as a family is only fun when you have your phones to escape — good thing its «advanced tech» design will blow him away for years to come.
A tabletop fireplace to ~outshine~ all of your siblings’ gifts once he uses this innovative idea. He can use it as a centerpiece, to roast s’mores, as a lantern, the possibilities are endless.
A pair of blue-light blocking glasses in a trendy round frame so you can both nix his midday headaches and give all his outfits a stylish touch. He’ll be so impressed by his lack of eye strain, he’ll think you either learned witchcraft or splurged quite a bit. Just smile and nod.
A pair of 18K white-gold-plated cufflinks that’ll be even better than an expensive trip to Brooks Brothers thanks to their engraved initials. James Bond would be impressed.
A durable canvas backpack with faux leather straps, because this’ll compete with high-end versions *and* stand the test of time, according to reviewers. No need to splurge big bucks for the same results here.
A white-noise machine for helping him sleep better at night (people say its soothing noises help you drift off faster), *and* he’ll be able to drown out distracting noises while working at home if your house is, ahem, a loud environment. Basically you’re changing his life for under 40 bucks.
And! A Nodpod sleep mask to further improve his sleep quality, thanks to its comforting pressure and impressive ability to totally block out light. Basically you won’t have to invest in a weighted blanket, because this’ll still help him relax and fall asleep faster.
A pair of waterproof, Bluetooth headphones that’ll make sure he doesn’t miss a *beat* to brag about his most generous child. They boast a built-in mic, noise-cancelling tech, and can play music for up to eight hours.
A set of chilling whiskey stones, because he won’t notice you’re serving the cheapest alcohol you could find to celebrate his special day. He’ll be too busy wondering how these make his drinks so cold. Tell them it’s sorcery.
Your dad’s explanation as to why you «spent so much»:
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