29 Things For Anyone Who’s A Fucking Carnivore

"Оптимизм - это доктрина, утверждающая, что все прекрасно, включая безобразное, все хорошо, особенно плохое, и все правильно, в том числе неправильное… Доктрина эта передается по наследству, однако, к счастью, не заразна." Амброз Бирс ZM
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You’re basically a T-Rex.

We hope you love the products we recommend! All of them were independently selected by our editors. Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page if you decide to shop from them. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

1.

A tin of festive meat bandages to cover your small cuts and scratches.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «Another great little monster product. These bandaids are timeless. Definitely cute bandages, but they are also functional. They stick very well and don’t leave gum on your skin.» –CA Closed Loop

Get a box of 20 from Amazon for $5.99.

2.

A useful cast-iron bacon press to get your strips to the exact crispness you want.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «Great product for cooking bacon fast with minimal splatter. It’s also heavy enough to make a great defensive weapon if you get attacked in your kitchen.» –Lisa98

Get it from Amazon for $15.08.

And check out our picks for the best cast-iron skillet on BuzzFeed Reviews!

3.

A bold T-shirt proudly proclaiming your not-so-secret love of well-cooked animals.

4.

A beef jerky subscription box so you won’t have to run to the nearest corner store to get your fix of savory goodness.


cratejoy.evyy.net

Each month you’ll get variety of high-quality jerky without tons of preservatives delivered straight to your door.

Get it from Cratejoy for $15+ a box.

5.

Bacon soap to smell like your favorite pork product, all day, every day.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «I’m at the bar, sitting with friends, and a lonely army guy nursing a beer leans over, sniffed me loudly, smiled big and said ‘you smell like home.’ Bacon soap equals hot southern guy talking to you.» –DD Fnord

Get it from Amazon for $6.01.

6.

A hamburger press for perfectly shaped patties every damn time.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «I really enjoy this patty press! I’ve been wanting one, and this was just what I wanted. I can make patties based on weight, so I use my kitchen scale to weigh out the meat and I get a nice, uniform, compact, perfect hamburger patty every time! Love it! No more pressing them by hand and getting it all over my hands!» —Shannon RN

Get it from Amazon for $14.39.

7.

A bacon-themed board game, because you just can’t get enough of that greasy goodness.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «I bought this game for my sister who loves anything and everything bacon: bacon wrapped chicken, beef and hell maybe she’d even like a bacon wrapped book, I wouldn’t put it past her.» –Roelee

Get it from Amazon for $17.75.

8.

An array of southern-style spices to help season your meat to high heaven.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «So far I have tried the New Orleans style on a turkey, which was amazing – everyone said it was the best turkey they ever had. I also used the Memphis on a pork butt and tried both the Memphis and Carolina on whole chickens. It was all fantastic.» –William Olsen

Get them from Amazon for $24.95.

9.

A handy meat thermometer that will automatically let you know when your favorite animal of choice is ready to be eaten without losing all the juices.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «I bought this initially for baking prime rib, but my wife uses it all the time when she bakes chicken. It takes the guessing game out of baking, and you know you are getting a cooked piece of meat without having to cut into it and letting all the juices escape.» –Abe

Get it from Amazon for $14.99.

10.

A stainless-steel meat injector to keep your meat from being super dry once you start cooking it.


amazon.com

It includes three different injection needles to deliver different kinds of flavor, and it has a two-ounce barrel so you don’t have to keep on dipping into your secret sauce!

Promising Review: «I find the meat injector very useful. Using it has really improved my barbecue results. I learned that if I mixed my tenderizer into the marinade and injected it into the meat, the meat not only had better flavor, but it was also more tender.» –Able Devildog

Get it from Amazon for $24.97.

11.

Canned unicorn meat. Sometimes in order to succeed, you have to ingest real-ass magical creatures.


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Promising Review: «Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams.» –Irma Gerd

Get it from Amazon for $12.98.

12.

A Ron Swanson-approved cutting board to make it easier to slice your steak into even-sized morsels.

13.

A tasty can of creamed possum, because even roadkill is a top-choice meat and shouldn’t be slept on.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «Some of the best road kill I’ve ever eaten (just kidding). This was a gag gift that I sent to a friend, and he thought that it was hilarious.» –J. Hensley

Get it from Amazon for $6.49+.

14.

A set of beer-infused barbecue sauces that’ll take your wings to the next level.


uncommongoods.sjv.io

It includes sweet and smokey, honey mustard, and Thai-style siracha BBQ sauce.

Promising review: «I purchased this for a friend’s Christmas present. He’s an avid griller and spends a lot of his time at his BBQ. He was so excited when he opened these unique sauces and expressed his interest in trying them out immediately!» —angelofthursdays

Get them from Uncommon Goods for $35.

15.

The most epic cheeseburger backpack to store all of your salty, spicy meaty treats.


anrdoezrs.net

Promising Review: «The backpack is very large! Each sandwich layer has a distinct texture of material – the patty is brown velvet, the cheese is yellow vinyl, and almost every layer is a different pocket.» –Alexis Hope

Get it from Amazon for $41.99.

16.

A pair of heat-resistant gloves, because you’d hate to burn your attractive hands while cooking your steak over a blazing fire.


amazon.com

The gloves can protect your hands up to 932 degrees Fahrenheit.

Promising review: «I have had these gloves for about five months now and I can say without a doubt they are one of my favorite purchases. I have stopped using my oven mitts altogether and just use these gloves. In fact, I threw my oven mitts away, they just don’t compare with these gloves. I have been able to take out metal sheets at 475 degrees with only feeling slight warmth. I have used these gloves for grilling and smoking on several occasions, and they have protected my hands from the very high heat each time.» —MmmmKay

Get them from Amazon for $25.95 (available in four colors).

17.

A red meat pillow so you can take naps dreaming about your one true love – steak.

18.

A pack of grill mats, because you’d really appreciate your hamburgers and hot dogs cooking evenly without sticking to the dirty-ass public grill.


amazon.com

Promising review: «I LOVE THESE MATS! I grill all the time and this is the best thing I have ever used to grill everything! No flare-ups or veggies falling through the grate. I grilled burgers, steaks, shrimp, and fish all had grill marks and were evenly cooked, no charred bits. The veggies were awesome to cook all accounted for, no loss. The cleaning is a breeze; I just soak in soapy water and give a good scrubbing or just toss in the dishwasher.» —Sasha Jake

Get a pack of five from Amazon for $11.99.

19.

A miniature, portable grill for beautifully charred steaks on the go.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «Nothing like a steak or burger on a charcoal grill. Perfect size to throw a few on instead of using the gas grill.» –Lisa A Weber

Get it from Amazon for $29.99.

20.

Or a George Foreman Grill that can also do the fucking job if cooking and eating outside underneath the stars like our ancestors before us just isn’t your jam.

21.

A Himalayan salt barbecue plank to give your meat even more flavor while serving it in style.


uncommongoods.sjv.io

Promising review: «I got this for my foodie husband as a novel gift and he used it for serving vegan sushi at our next wine and cheese. It was the talk of the party. Fabulous for grilling veggies and kabobs as well.» —Jen

Get it from Uncommon Goods for $29.99.

22.

Burger earrings to show everyone what your favorite snack is without even talking.

23.

A useful apron with cool compartments to prevent all the glorious meat spatter from getting on your even more amazing outfit.


amazon.com

It has five pockets for your phone, matches, beer, seasonings, and sauces, as well as a utensil belts and a handy bottle opener.

Promising review: «The quality is good. I bought eight of them for prizes at the neighborhood block party and BBQ competition.» —Amazon Customer

Get it from Amazon for $11.99.

24.

A super sensual book perfect for broadening your horizons when it comes to unique ways to prepare bacon.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «It is the most erotic cookbook I have ever seen. I couldn’t give it to my stepdad for obvious reasons, so it now sits on my nightstand for some light late night reading.» —Amazon Customer

Get it from Amazon for $12.98.

25.

A battery-operated food smoker that’lll transform the meat of your choice into juicy heaven, even when you’re on the go.


amazon.com

It uses real wood chips and has a fan to deliver maximum flavor distribution.

Promising review: «It does exactly what it’s supposed to do for a great price. It worked great on my pork shoulder; when I previously smoked it, it cooked too fast so I didn’t get enough smoke on it, so I hit the pulled meat with this little guy and voila; tasted like it just came off nine hours on the smoker. Can’t wait to use it on something else.» —PattiJeanne

Get it from Amazon for $29.99 (available in two colors).

26.

A set of silicone brushes for lathering precious barbecue sauce onto your precious ribs.


amazon.com

Promising review: «Awesome product! These brushes replace all of my old-fashioned brushes for pastries and for barbecue sauces. No more bristles left in the sauce or on the pie. They clean up well in the dishwasher too!» —CAGU

Get them from Amazon for $7.97 (for a set of four).

27.

An all-in-one BBQ tool set so you can treat your steaks and ribs with care on the grill.


amazon.com

Includes a tong, fork, knife, grill brush, basting brush, four skewers, eight corn holders, one replaceable head for the grill brush, and one spatula.

Promising review: «The perfect tool set for anyone who BBQs. Anything you think you might need is in there! Love the nice carrying case which is very durable and well-made. Great gift idea for someone who loves to bbq or for yourself! Love how the case also helps to keep things organized!» —J. Dimmett

Get it from Amazon for $35.99.

28.

An outdoor spice rack, because you’d love to season that prime rib while you’re out enjoying the wilderness as it should be — meaty AF.


amazon.com

They have compartments so you can fit SIX different spices, and have a watertight seal to keep them from clumping.

Promising review: «This makes cooking while camping much easier and compact. Before getting this, we had spices in zip lock bags thrown in the camping box. Usually, when needed the spices had gotten wet and were a chunk o’spice. Not only do these bottles condense the containers needed, they do a better job keeping moisture out of the spice. Easy to refill and secure tops make for happy cooking.» —Jack

Get it from Amazon for $14.19 (for a set of three).

29.

And a handy meat tenderizer to uh…. beat your meat to juicy perfection.


amazon.com

Promising Review: «We use this to tenderize and thin chicken for consistent thicknesses while cooking. It’s got a nice weight to it, and it does the job as well as expected.» —Jeannie W

Get it from Amazon for $12.67.

Shopping for something specific? Check out BuzzFeed Reviews to find the best things for every budget!


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That has to be the most beautiful piece of meat I’ve ever seen.


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Reviews here have been edited for length and/or clarity.

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