21 Hilariously Honest Marriage Tweets That Hit Exactly Right These Days

"Счастья не становится меньше, когда им делишься." Будда ZM
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«My husband and I are so married that we argue about directions during virtual tours.»

It’s probably safe to say that many of us married people went into this quarantine together thinking it would be easy peasy, a great bonding experience, and maybe even…fun:


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Well, we rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they prove that — in fact — marriage is hard, and quarantining 24/7 with your spouse is even harder:

2.

Me: I think it’s time we had sex again.

Her: How about we just fool around?

Me:

Her: It’s a phase 1 reopening.

4.

Wife: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on?

Me: Just giving you a show.

Wife: Can I change the channel?

5.

I just got my wife a giant ice coffee from my trip to the outside world so don’t tell me I don’t know a thing or two about foreplay.

6.

[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!

8.

I just cut my husbands hair. In 15 minutes it’ll be dry and we’ll either be the picture of martial bliss or researching divorce attorneys in our area.

10.

Husband: did you hear about those murder hornets? So crazy!

Me: I bet their husbands chew like you

Husband: what?

Me: what?

11.

Marriage is an equal partnership where my wife always asks for my opinion before disregarding it and doing it her way.

12.

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: So you used th—

ME: I used the rest of the toilet paper to mummify myself, yes

13.

Whoever has my husband’s voodoo doll, please duct tape his mouth shut for the rest of the day.

15.

Hubs: Do you remember that one time that you were in a really good mood in the morning?

Me:

17.

What is it called when you ask your husband to fold a load of clothes while you take the kids for a walk and he only folds his own? Justifiable homicide? I think it’s called justifiable homicide.

18.

Wife: What’s burning?

Me: I’m making a grilled cheese

Wife: You know you’re supposed to use bread, right?

Me: I’m going low carb

Wife: That’s an entire block of cheddar

Me: PROTEINNNNNN

19.

My husband said he did a double take of me when he first met me but I’ve also seen him do a double take of a free pile of dirt.

20.

I compliment my husband on his grays while he pretends he can’t see mine and that, ladies and gentleman, is how marriage is done during quarantine.

21.

Me: What day is it?

Wife: Today.

Me: What day of the week?

Wife: That’s as close as you’re going to get.

If you think these husbands and wives are as hilarious as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!






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